It’s hot and miserable outside, especially for June. So if you’re avoiding the outdoors on this lazy Summer Friday like me, why not take a trip back to the cold, cold desolation that was the 2023 Patriots.
We’re all the way up to the second-worst moment of the entire season. But first, the list so far:
10. Marcus Jones, Christian Gonzalez, and Matthew Judon are all lost for the season by Week 4.
9. Jakobi Meyers out, Juju Smith-Schuster in.
8. Bailey Zappe closes out the Colts game with an unfathomable pick into triple coverage.
7. Chad Ryland shanks a 35-yard field goal to lose the game against the New York Giants.
6. A Mac Jones safety ends any hope of a comeback against the Las Vegas Raiders.
5. A four-turnover first half ends any hope of a Bills sweep.
4. The Patriots and Bill Belichick decide to part ways.
3. The Patriots get outscored 72-3 over a two-week span.
At Number 2, the sourest of tastes to close out the season.
2. Bill Belichick and Matthew Slater’s last game is a home blowout loss to the Jets.
In what has become a new tradition around these parts, the Patriots once again found themselves in a completely meaningless Week 18 matchup as they closed out the 2023 season at home against the New York Jets. The first Jets game, all the way back in Week 3, represented 25% of the wins the Patriots had managed to secure in 2023, and much of Patriot Nation was torn in terms of rooting interest. A loss here would guarantee the Patriots at least a Top Four Draft pick in 2024, with a chance to move as high as second overall depending on how the rest of the week played out. That’s a whole lot of upside, especially when a win here could potentially drop New England as far down as six in draft order, likely costing them a shot at getting their quarterback of the future.
But that would mean losing at home to the New York freaking Jets in Bill Belichick’s last game ever as coach of this team. Bill Belichick, the greatest coach in NFL history, who resigned as HC of the NYJ on a co*cktail napkin two decades ago to take a drive up north and usher in a run of success that nobody would ever see again. The coach who brought us all more joy and victory than we had any right to have. The man deserved to go out on a high note.
What’s more, this Jets game was also likely going to be Matthew Slater’s last game as well. The last remaining member of the Patriots Dynasty, Slater had been a team and fan favorite ever since he came into the league all the way back in 2008. Team captain, locker room leader, role model, mentor to younger guys, and one of the greatest Special Teamers of all time. He could have retired in 2022 and nobody would have batted an eye, but he knew that the team needed him for one more year, both on and off the field, so he came back for one final season. January 7th, 2024 represented the very last time any of us would get the chance for a video of him breaking down the locker room after a win. One more “Awwwwwww Yeah!” for the road. He deserved to go out on a high note as well.
What happened instead was a 17-3 embarrassment at the hands of the Jets in which the Patriots only generated two drives of more than five plays. Bailey Zapple only had 88 yards passing to go with his seven sacks for 57 combined yards lost. Jalen Reagor’s one catch for 33 yards made him New England’s leading receiver on the day. The entire offense was Ezekiel Elliot, who had 54 yards rushing and 24 yards receiving. It was no shocker at this point, but the New England offense even managed to outdo themselves in this one. The score was actually close - 9-3 late into the fourth - when Bailey Zappe followed up a -16 yard sack with an interception that the Jets managed to fumble back to New England, only to throw another interception on his very next pass. Breece Hall broke a 50-yarder into the end zone a few plays later, and that was how it ended for the Patriots.
What a nightmare. What an embarrassment. What an ignominious way for two legends to end their tenure with this team.
If you were one of the “lose every game possible so the Patriots can get a high draft pick” folks, then you’re probably rolling your eyes at this one. After all, with this loss the Patriots locked in the 3rd overall pick in the 2024 NFL Draft. This game is what ended up getting them Drake Maye. So maybe we’ll look back on this moment with gratitude the way we now look at Drew Bledsoe getting taken out (also against the Jets). Had they won this one, who knows what would have happened this past April.
But we won’t know this draft will shake out for a few years. What’s true in the here and now is that Tom Brady’s last throw as a Patriot was a pick-six, and Belichick and Slater’s last game as Patriots was a loss to the Jets. And it was a very, very bad loss. That is forever stamped in the history books. After an absolutely atrocious season, it was all capped off with just pure suckitude. The answer to the pub trivia question “what was the result of Bill Belichick’s last game as coach of the Patriots?” for the rest of time will be “a home loss to the Jets.”
I completely understand the sentiment of this L being a net positive for the future. But this isn’t a “10 Best Things To Have Happened to the Patriots in Hindsight” list. It’s a list of the 10 crappiest moments of an unfathomably crappy season. And I was as despondent as you could get following this one considering how meaningless the game was, so here I am ranking it at Number 2.
If you dare, game highlights here.
